| Achievement | How to unlock
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| - The Pixel Sword Unlocked! Shave and a haircut, 8 bits!
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| - Destroy 1000 coffee pots.
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| - Mischeiv_os Unlocked! Karpee Vernasco Necktie...wait, that's not right.
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- Destruction is an Artform
| - Accumulate 10,000,000 points
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| - Unlock all patterns...for now.
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| - Accidents happen, like YOU...AGAIN!?! Seriously... I needed that
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| - You hit max rank! Way to go, you made it, aren't you something... You still have to come in tomorrow.
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| - R.I.F.E. Unlocked! Looks like your AXE got FIRED!
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| - Golden Poo Unlocked! Even polished... It is what it is.
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| - Holy Keyboard Unlocked! And a caps (f)Lock of Angels sing the to thy rest.
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- How Am I Going to Check My Emails Now?
| - Destroy 500 computer monitors.
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| - Smash 100 of your coworkers pictures.
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| - Grabbity Gun Unlocked! What goes up... must stay up?
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| - REDDEATH Unlocked! Righteous ranged ricochet red. Really.
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| - You ranked up to Level 10!
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| - You ranked up to Level 20!
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| - You ranked up to Level 30!
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| - You ranked up to Level 5!
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- On The Road To Glory Part I
| - You passed level 1! You know what to do, onto level two!
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| - Jeez, I hope you washed your hands first. You've gained all the golden poos in all levels!
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| - Achieve 5 x2 Rages in a single game.
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| - You prefer to be a gentleman when destroying your surroundings.
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| - Achieve your first x2 Rage!
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| - Even Dante stopped at 9... But 10??? 30 poos... If only your mom could see you now... Or cared.
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| - Destroy/use 100 staplers.
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| - Pass all levels with at least one golden poo.
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| - Customize Philbert's arms!
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- Someone Call the Nerd Brigade
| - Destroy 500 computer towers.
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| - NO SERIOUSLY!?!? Find 42 keys
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| - Spark one up and Rock-et retro style!
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- The Micromanager Unlocked!
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- The Premiums Will Kill You
| - Accumulate 1,000,000 points. Seriously High premium.
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| - Go for Pink slips in your W.I.P. Whip!
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| - Tossed your hat in the ring...and 49 thousand other things too!
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- Want to Feel How Hard I Can Hit
| - 50 thousand? Such knuckles oooOOOooo!
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- You Better Have Great Insurance
| - Destroy 95% of the items in the room in a single level.
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| - Destroy 10,000 filing cabinets.
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