| Achievement | How to unlock
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- ...Just Kidding! He's Not (20)
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- ...Or Surprising Insights? (35)
| - Find every piece of Intel in Call of Judy.
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| - Experience some 'Online' Mulitiplayer fun. (Secret)
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| - Complete Mission 3, Badass difficulty.
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| - Complete Mission 5, Badass difficulty.
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- A Single Kenneth Suddenly Silenced (22)
| - Destroy every tannoy in the evening-time at the Fete.
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| - Deliver the sweet release of death to one hundred somewhat justifiable targets.
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| - Kill every innocent bystander in the Fete. (Secret)
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| - Complete Mission 4, Badass difficulty.
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| - Deliver the sweet release of death to ten totally justifiable targets.
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- Do You Know Who I Am? (13)
| - Listen to an entire Kenneth Announcement.
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- Doing What's Necessary (50)
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| - Run over all the innocents on the Ghost Train.
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- Feelin' Lucky, Punk? (35)
| - Kill five zombies with one bullet from Clint's Piece. (Secret)
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| - Summon the Mad King. (Secret)
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| - Fire the spud gun. (Secret)
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| - Complete your first mounted gun section.
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- God Is On Your Side... (18)
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- He Shoots, He Scores! (25)
| - Improve your K:D by killing three enemies with 1 bullet.
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- Heil Mary, Full Of Grace (35)
| - Complete Mission 6, Badass difficulty.
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- Hello Darkness, My Old Friend (35)
| - Complete Mission 8, Badass difficulty.
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| - Complete every mounted gun section to become the ultimate Stationary Killer.
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- I Need No Announcement (22)
| - Destroy every tannoy at the Fete.
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| - Destroy every ice cream van.
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- If You Want Something Done Right (22)
| - Revive your ally three times in one game of Zombies. (Secret)
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- Joseph's Favourite Son (29)
| - Hand build 100 barricades in a single game of Zombies. (Secret)
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| - Listen to every tannoy announcement at the Fete.
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- Master Of My Own Fete (29)
| - Complete Mission 2, Badass difficulty.
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| - Deliver the sweet release of death to one thousand definitely unjustifiable targets.
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| - Prove you're actually alive by successfully starting the game.
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| - Complete Call of Judy, Gamer difficulty.
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| - Investigate the Surveillance system.
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| - Buy all possible gates in a single game of Zombies. (Secret)
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| - Complete Call of Judy, Badass difficulty.
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| - Complete Mission 9, Badass difficulty.
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| - Satisfy your OCD in the Filing room.
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| - Complete any mission in Call of Judy with keyboard and mouse.
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| - Discover the "legitimate" sources of the Bum.
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- Pure-Bred Console Player (16)
| - Complete any mission in Call of Judy with a controller.
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| - Experience further 'Online' Mulitiplayer fun. (Secret)
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| - Destroy all the tannoys in Musoleum.
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| - Destroy a totally innocent cake.
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| - Play the game for a total of 2 hours and 1 minute. (Secret)
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| - Kill at least 3 enemies with one grenade or rocket explosion.
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| - Kill 666 Nuns on the Sabbath.
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- The Church's Dirty Little Secret (19)
| - Kill all the Altar Boys. (Secret)
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- The Gospel According To Murdoch (25)
| - Listen to all tannoy announcements in the Musoleum.
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- The People's Republic Of NotGames (29)
| - Complete any Mission in Call of Judy while censorship is in effect.
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- There But For The Grace Of God (25)
| - Survive a full round in Zombies after your partner dies, allowing them to respawn next round. (Secret)
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- These Aren't Just Zombies...These Are NotZombies (10)
| - Unlock Zombie mode. (Secret)
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| - Listen to every tannoy announcement in the evening-time at the Fete.
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| - Waste your time in the Church Basement. (Secret)
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| - Visit every room in the Church Basement. (Secret)
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| - Complete Mission 1, Badass difficulty.
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- Useless Information... (18)
| - Find your first piece of Intel.
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- We've Been Here Before (20)
| - Play every different level in Call of Judy, then start any one level again.
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| - Reach round 30 in a game of Zombies. (Secret)
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- What Is Dead May Never Die (20)
| - Complete your first wave of Zombies. (Secret)
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- You're Locked In Here With Me! (35)
| - Complete Mission 7, Badass difficulty.
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