| Achievement | How to unlock
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| ...Just Kidding! He's Not (20) | Complete Mission 7.
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| ...Or Surprising Insights? (35) | Find every piece of Intel in Call of Judy.
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| 0WN3D (22) | Experience some 'Online' Mulitiplayer fun. (Secret)
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| A Ghost Of A Chance (35) | Complete Mission 3, Badass difficulty.
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| A Grave Mistake (35) | Complete Mission 5, Badass difficulty.
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| A Jolly Jaunt (13) | Complete Mission 2.
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| A Single Kenneth Suddenly Silenced (22) | Destroy every tannoy in the evening-time at the Fete.
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| Ashes To Ashes (16) | Complete Mission 5.
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| Baptised (13) | Sponge. That. Sinner!
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| Centurion. (12) | Deliver the sweet release of death to one hundred somewhat justifiable targets.
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| Clowning Around (15) | Complete Mission 4.
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| Collateral Damage (10) | Kill every innocent bystander in the Fete. (Secret)
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| Crashing The Castle (35) | Complete Mission 4, Badass difficulty.
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| Decturion (11) | Deliver the sweet release of death to ten totally justifiable targets.
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| Do You Know Who I Am? (13) | Listen to an entire Kenneth Announcement.
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| Doing What's Necessary (50) | Put Denis Down.
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| Down And Dirty (12) | Complete Mission 1.
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| Duck, Duck, Mousse (22) | Run over all the innocents on the Ghost Train.
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| Feelin' Lucky, Punk? (35) | Kill five zombies with one bullet from Clint's Piece. (Secret)
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| Future Shock One (10) | Summon the Mad King. (Secret)
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| Gazzer's Revenge (50) | Fire the spud gun. (Secret)
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| Get Mounted (12) | Complete your first mounted gun section.
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| God Is On Your Side... (18) | Complete Mission 6.
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| He Shoots, He Scores! (25) | Improve your K:D by killing three enemies with 1 bullet.
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| Heil Mary, Full Of Grace (35) | Complete Mission 6, Badass difficulty.
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| Hello Darkness, My Old Friend (35) | Complete Mission 8, Badass difficulty.
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| Hole Puncher (25) | Complete every mounted gun section to become the ultimate Stationary Killer.
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| I Need No Announcement (22) | Destroy every tannoy at the Fete.
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| Ice Cold (25) | Destroy every ice cream van.
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| If You Want Something Done Right (22) | Revive your ally three times in one game of Zombies. (Secret)
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| Inner Demons (22) | Complete Mission 8.
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| Joseph's Favourite Son (29) | Hand build 100 barricades in a single game of Zombies. (Secret)
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| KABOOM! (13) | Blow up.
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| Lingerer (20) | Listen to every tannoy announcement at the Fete.
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| Live Dangerously (12) | Ride the Ferris Wheel.
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| Master Of My Own Fete (29) | Complete Mission 2, Badass difficulty.
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| Milturion. (18) | Deliver the sweet release of death to one thousand definitely unjustifiable targets.
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| Murder the Magnate (25) | Complete Mission 9.
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| Not A Moron (11) | Prove you're actually alive by successfully starting the game.
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| NotBad (29) | Complete Call of Judy, Gamer difficulty.
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| Nothing To Hide (20) | Investigate the Surveillance system.
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| Offshore Account (50) | Possess
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| Oh Boy, A Friend! (20) | Play split-screen.
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| Open Wide (29) | Buy all possible gates in a single game of Zombies. (Secret)
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| Or Was It Judith? (35) | Complete Call of Judy, Badass difficulty.
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| Ozymandias (35) | Complete Mission 9, Badass difficulty.
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| Patience Of A Saint (22) | Satisfy your OCD in the Filing room.
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| PC Master Race (12) | Complete any mission in Call of Judy with keyboard and mouse.
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| Piece Of Pie (20) | Discover the "legitimate" sources of the Bum.
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| Pure-Bred Console Player (16) | Complete any mission in Call of Judy with a controller.
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| PWN3D (22) | Experience further 'Online' Mulitiplayer fun. (Secret)
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| Silence Is Golden (29) | Destroy all the tannoys in Musoleum.
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| Slayer Of Sponge (11) | Destroy a totally innocent cake.
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| Sorry, No Refunds (17) | Play the game for a total of 2 hours and 1 minute. (Secret)
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| Splash! (14) | Kill at least 3 enemies with one grenade or rocket explosion.
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| Sunday Schooling (50) | Kill 666 Nuns on the Sabbath.
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| The Church's Dirty Little Secret (19) | Kill all the Altar Boys. (Secret)
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| The Gospel According To Murdoch (25) | Listen to all tannoy announcements in the Musoleum.
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| The People's Republic Of NotGames (29) | Complete any Mission in Call of Judy while censorship is in effect.
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| There But For The Grace Of God (25) | Survive a full round in Zombies after your partner dies, allowing them to respawn next round. (Secret)
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| These Aren't Just Zombies...These Are NotZombies (10) | Unlock Zombie mode. (Secret)
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| Thus Spake Kenneth (22) | Listen to every tannoy announcement in the evening-time at the Fete.
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| To Be Continued... (25) | Complete Call of Judy.
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| To War! (11) | Complete Basic Training.
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| Told You So (20) | Waste your time in the Church Basement. (Secret)
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| Tomb Raider (22) | Visit every room in the Church Basement. (Secret)
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| Trench Foot (29) | Complete Mission 1, Badass difficulty.
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| Useless Information... (18) | Find your first piece of Intel.
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| We've Been Here Before (20) | Play every different level in Call of Judy, then start any one level again.
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| Well I'll Be Damned (10) | Reach round 30 in a game of Zombies. (Secret)
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| What Is Dead May Never Die (20) | Complete your first wave of Zombies. (Secret)
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| Who You Gonna Call? (15) | Complete Mission 3.
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| You're Locked In Here With Me! (35) | Complete Mission 7, Badass difficulty.
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