| Achievement | How to unlock
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- "Put some goddamn clothes on!"
| - You killed the Underpants Warrior.
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- "We're all fine here now, thank you. How are you?"
| - Use the radio to divert attention of guards.
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| - The CIA sold and exported drugs. It's pretty well known by now.
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- Basement Dweller Extermination
| - You 'cleaned' all the Suits in the Basement.
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| - How could you not be a fan of Shatner? For shame.
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| - You 'bought' a pistol in the bathroom.
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- Cardholder's Past Achievements: 1
| - You heard about Cardholder's exploits.
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- Cardholder's Past Achievements: 2
| - You heard some more about Cardholder's exploits.
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- Cardholder's Wall of Crazy
| - You saw Cardholder's own Wall of Crazy. Yours is better.
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| - You looked at the posters. We love you.
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- Don't spend it all in one place
| - You got the nickles from the cigarette machine, you tightass.
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| - You took the elevator to the basement.
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| - You stood in the middle of your Zen Garden, because Zen.
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| - You called your own office three times, you weirdo. Someone picked up.
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| - You played the weird soundbyte on the Jukebox.
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| - You hit Chuck where it counts.
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| - You smoothtalked your way into owning a crappy old notebook. Congrats?
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| - Way to piss off the informant, hero.
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- Nancy Would Be Disappointed
| - You bought some drugs. Mrs Reagan would not approve.
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- Passed it to the left hand side
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| - You learned about Jerry's miserable life.
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- Push It To The Limit... LIMIT!
| - You won at Majestic Night-ing.
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| - You stood in the centre of the Zen Garden. Again. Why!?
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| - You saw the Suit leaving Piscine's.
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| - You messed with poor old Lloyd. Are you proud of yourself?
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| - You found the secret entrance to the Safe House.
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| - You inspected all of the things... in Beardsley's Office.
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| - You found the 3 'Biggest' pieces of Truth.
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- The Wrong Goddamn Rec Room
| - You shouldn't have disturbed the lecturer - he really hates it.
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- These belong in a museum!
| - You found the room with Cardholder and a strange artefact.
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| - Entered the outhouse. Haha... Poop joke.
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- Where you're going, you don't need... Your things
| - You left your office without getting your stuff.
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- You spent it all in one place
| - You gave the nickles to the bum.
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