| Achievement | How to unlock
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| "Put some goddamn clothes on!" | You killed the Underpants Warrior.
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| "We're all fine here now, thank you. How are you?" | Use the radio to divert attention of guards.
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| Air America | The CIA sold and exported drugs. It's pretty well known by now.
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| Basement Dweller Extermination | You 'cleaned' all the Suits in the Basement.
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| Blasphemy! | How could you not be a fan of Shatner? For shame.
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| Callie's got a gun | You 'bought' a pistol in the bathroom.
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| Cardholder's Past Achievements: 1 | You heard about Cardholder's exploits.
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| Cardholder's Past Achievements: 2 | You heard some more about Cardholder's exploits.
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| Cardholder's Wall of Crazy | You saw Cardholder's own Wall of Crazy. Yours is better.
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| Cinephile | You looked at the posters. We love you.
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| Don't spend it all in one place | You got the nickles from the cigarette machine, you tightass.
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| Elevator Action | You took the elevator to the basement.
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| Find Your Centre | You stood in the middle of your Zen Garden, because Zen.
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| It's Not Paranoia... | You called your own office three times, you weirdo. Someone picked up.
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| Jukebox Odd Docs | You played the weird soundbyte on the Jukebox.
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| Low Blow | You hit Chuck where it counts.
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| Media Relations | You smoothtalked your way into owning a crappy old notebook. Congrats?
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| Media Unrelations | Way to piss off the informant, hero.
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| Nancy Would Be Disappointed | You bought some drugs. Mrs Reagan would not approve.
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| Passed it to the left hand side | Spoke to the Cowboy.
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| Poor ol' Jerry | You learned about Jerry's miserable life.
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| Push It To The Limit... LIMIT! | You won at Majestic Night-ing.
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| Re-cheevo | You stood in the centre of the Zen Garden. Again. Why!?
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| Rear Window | You saw the Suit leaving Piscine's.
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| Rutabaga/Arugula | You messed with poor old Lloyd. Are you proud of yourself?
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| Sneaky Bastard | You found the secret entrance to the Safe House.
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| The Inspectinator | You inspected all of the things... in Beardsley's Office.
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| The Truth Is In Here | You found the 3 'Biggest' pieces of Truth.
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| The Wrong Goddamn Rec Room | You shouldn't have disturbed the lecturer - he really hates it.
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| These belong in a museum! | You found the room with Cardholder and a strange artefact.
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| When you gotta go... | Entered the outhouse. Haha... Poop joke.
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| Where you're going, you don't need... Your things | You left your office without getting your stuff.
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| You spent it all in one place | You gave the nickles to the bum.
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