| Achievement | How to unlock
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| - Beat General Darian in 3 Minutes
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| - Eat 3 porridge bowls in 5 seconds
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| - Kill an enemy while under the effects of a jump-pad
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| - Beat the game with Doug Wendt
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| - Kill 3 Enemies at once with the Barkblast
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| - Get 2000000 points in one level
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| - Complete Episode 1 using only bullet based weaponry
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| - Complete Episode 2 using only bullet based weaponry
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| - Complete Episode 3 using only bullet based weaponry
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| - Complete Episode 4 using only bullet based weaponry
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| - Tea bag every type of enemy in the game
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- Clear and Present Dangers
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| - Shoot an explosive barrel that kills an enemy
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| - Submit a score to the leaderboard
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- Consider This An Intervention
| - Activate Shrooms mode for the first time
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| - Activate the original soundtrack
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| - Beat El Oscuro in 3 Minutes
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| - Beat the game with IP Freely
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| - Kill 666 enemies with the Split Missile
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| - Shoot a bird and have it land on your face as it falls
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| - Finish the game with all characters on any difficulty
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| - Kill an enemy while he's pleading for his life
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| - Get killed by an enemy who was previously begging for his life
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| - Find the Super Sexy Secret Poster
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| - Kill 666 enemies with the Flamewall
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| - Decapitate each type of human enemy
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| - Find Scott's Mystical head
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| - Tea bag every kind of human enemy
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| - Run the game on maximum Ludicrous settings
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| - Kill 666 enemies with the Heat Seeker
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| - Collect 10 coins in 5 seconds
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| - Beat the game with Tarradino Cassat
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| - Run the game with at least one mod installed
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| - Kill 666 enemies while in God Mode
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| - Kill 666 enemies with the Excalibat
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| - Get a "Ludicrous gibs" with all weapons that are capable of doing so
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| - Eat 2 Health Pickups While in Shrooms Mode
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| - Complete every level 100%
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| - Complete Episode 1 without picking up any health recovery items
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| - Complete Episode 2 without picking up any health recovery items
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| - Complete Episode 3 without picking up any health recovery items
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| - Episode 4 without picking up any health recovery items
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| - Kill 666 enemies with the Firebomb
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| - Beat the game on Ludicrous difficulty
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| - Beat the game on Medium difficulty
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| - Destroy a ludicrous amount of geometry
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| - Kill 5 people at once with explosives or magical weapons
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| - Beat the game with Thi Barrett
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| - Kill 666 enemies with the Rocket Launcher
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| - Kill an Enemy During a Rocket Jump
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| - Eat every meal in the game
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- Seriously, Please Seek Help
| - Teabag 5 decapitated heads
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| - Gib 2 enemies with the split missile
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| - Beat the game with Lorelei Ni
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| - Kill 666 enemies with the Drunk Missile
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| - Beat the game on Ludicrous difficulty and attain 100% completion rate
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| - Finish the game in 4 hours or less
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| - Kill 666 enemies with the MP40
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| - Kill 10 enemies by using their own traps against them
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| - Kill 666 enemies with Pistols
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| - Watch through the entire credits
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| - Complete Episode 1 using only rocket based weaponry
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| - Complete Episode 2 using only rocket based weaponry
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| - Complete Episode 3 using only rocket based weaponry
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| - Complete Episode 4 using only rocket based weaponry
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| - Kill 3 different types of Triads with one attack
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| - Kill an Enforcer with a single pistol
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| - Tea bag every kind of robot enemy (including NME)
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| - Watch Entire Castle Flyby with game on Maximum settings
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| - Beat the game on Easy difficulty
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| - Play Through All The Secret Levels
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| - Beat the game on Hard difficulty
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| - Tea-bag an Enemy While in Dog-Mode
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| - Kill 666 enemies with the Dark Staff
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| - Find all secrets in the game
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| - Kill 666 enemies while in Dog Mode
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