| Achievement | How to unlock
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| - Destroy the space station!
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- Fire in the Sky (5 points)
| - Survive the asteroid belt.
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| - "The game just called me a F$#!stick!"
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| - Have mercy. Let the Comrade live.
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- Hand over Fist (5 points)
| - Rip both arms off a mech.
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| - Defeat Kang's weird faceship.
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- I am a Real American (5 points)
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| - I understand and I wish to continue.
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- Nice shootin', Tex (150 points)
| - Get an S Rank on level 7-1 or 10-1.
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- Pass the Two Million Sunblock (35 points)
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- Poo Poo Pee Pee (1 points)
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| - No peace! Kill the Comrade!
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- Shot to the Heart (35 points)
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- Slick Willie (150 points)
| - Beat a Level without taking damage.
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- Sweating Bullets (35 points)
| - Destroy the Battle Dome without taking damage.
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- The Biggest Little (5 points)
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- The Level Above Human (5 points)
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- These Colors Don't Run (5 points)
| - Destroy the Cock Sauce Factory
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| - Complete a level with the middle finger censored.
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| - Get a million points on 1-1.
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- You Played Yourself (35 points)
| - Destroy bizarro Gamma Ray.
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- Yuri Gannadye (35 points)
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