| Achievement | How to unlock | Points
|
|---|
| #Hashtag | Found every hashtag | 30
|
| ...Then Blew It Up (secret) | Blew up Tony | 30
|
| All In A Day's Work | Completed Level 6 | 30
|
| Bad Everything Day | Completed Level 3 | 30
|
| Blink 2000 Times For Yes | Blinked 2000 times | 30
|
| Bronze Before Brains | Got bronze or higher on every time trial | 30
|
| Carpoolin' | Completed Level 4 | 30
|
| Character-Driven Story | Watched all cinematics without skipping | 30
|
| Feces Happen | Completed Level 1 | 30
|
| Golden Furniture | Got gold on every time trial | 70
|
| Good Job, Sam! | Completed Story Mode Single Player | 50
|
| Good Job, Sams! | Completed Story Mode Co-Op | 50
|
| Hippie Boy (secret) | Went to work without shoes | 30
|
| HOLY FECES! | Unlock all the Achievements in Manual Samuel | 100
|
| Made Tony Open A Cafe... (secret) | Tipped Tony | 30
|
| No Child Left Behind | Completed Level 7 | 30
|
| No Refunds! | Completed Level 8 | 30
|
| Ok Papa | Completed Level 5 | 30
|
| Piss Perfect (secret) | Made no stains on yourself | 30
|
| Robocorpse | Killed every robot | 30
|
| Silver Spoon In His Mouth | Got silver or higher on every time trial | 50
|
| Skip Right To The Action (secret) | Skipped a cinematic | 20
|
| Slow Down Dude! | Drove 150 km per hour | 30
|
| Stairway To The Living Room (secret) | Didn't fall down the stairs | 30
|
| Take My Breath Away | Completed Sams house only breathing in 15 times | 30
|
| To Hell With Hell | Completed Level 2 | 30
|
| Treat Yourself Twice A Day | Drank two cups of coffee | 30
|
| Wordsmith | Spoke perfectly | 30
|