| Trophy | How to unlock
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| 1,000,000aire! (Gold) | Earn $1,000,000 lifetime points.
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| 100,000aire! (Bronze) | Earn $100,000 lifetime.
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| 500,000aire! (Silver) | Earn $500,000 lifetime.
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| Always a Bridesmaid (Bronze) | Come in second place 5 times in online games.
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| Back Taxes (Silver) | Win all prizes in Episodes 1-73.
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| Beast Master (Bronze) | Get 10 animal questions correct.
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| Beat a Winner (Silver) | Beat someone with a rating of Unicorn in an online game.
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| Birth Certificate (Bronze) | Create a Contestant.
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| Boob Tuber (Bronze) | Get 3 TV questions correct in JACK Pack.
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| Button Banger (Bronze) | Get a multiple choice question right in the first 2 seconds.
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| Consolation Trophy (Silver) | Play 5 hours without getting a single trophy.
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| DisOrDash (Silver) | Ace a DisOrDat in under 10 seconds.
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| DisOrDat Destroyer (Bronze) | Answer all 7 DisOrDat items correctly.
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| DisOrDat Participation Award (Bronze) | Complete DisOrDat in 30 seconds.
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| Discovered Gauntlet of Fire (Bronze) | Find the very important gauntlet of fire.
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| Enscrewsiast (Bronze) | Screw 50 times.
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| Film In Your Brain (Bronze) | Get 10 movie questions correct.
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| Genius for a Day (Silver) | Score at least $30,000 above your average.
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| Great Crowd (Bronze) | Laugh at an easy joke.
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| Incurable Hoarder (Silver) | Collect all 10 prizes in JACK Pack.
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| It's Just More of This (Bronze) | Finish an episode.
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| JACK Wrack (Bronze) | Play all episodes in JACK Pack.
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| Jack Attack Dog (Silver) | Get all 7 Jack Attack questions correct in a multiplayer game without messing up.
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| Lit Twit (Bronze) | Get 3 literature questions correct in JACK Pack.
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| Living in the Past (Bronze) | Get 10 history questions correct.
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| Lose to a Loser (Bronze) | Lose an online game to someone with a rating at or below Dullard.
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| Map Dancer (Bronze) | Get 3 geography questions correct in JACK Pack.
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| Menage-a-Quatre (Bronze) | Play 4-player game online.
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| Mouth-Breather (Bronze) | Achieve the third highest rating.
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| My First Time (Bronze) | Screw someone for the first time.
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| One Teat Short of An Udder (Silver) | Achieve the second highest rating.
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| Overconsumer (Bronze) | Listen to all commercials after one episode.
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| Perfect Attendance (Gold) | Play Episodes 1-73.
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| Phatty (Bronze) | Get 10 food questions correct.
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| Quick-Draw McDumbass (Bronze) | Choose the wrong answer within the first 3 seconds 10 times.
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| Slack Attack (Bronze) | Get -$1 million on a Jack Attack.
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| Smelt the Roses (Bronze) | Get a multiple choice question right in the last 1 second.
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| Social Outcast (Bronze) | Finish 5 single player games on Friday or Saturday nights.
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| Taking it from Behind (Silver) | Come in from behind to win during the Jack Attack.
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| The Game's Half Empty (Bronze) | Play Episodes 1-37.
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| The Game's Half Full (Bronze) | Play Episodes 1-36.
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| Turncoat (Bronze) | Play on July 4th instead of celebrating America.
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| Unicorn (Gold) | Achieve the highest gamer rating.
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| Vidiot Savant (Silver) | Get every question right in an episode.
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| Virtual Virgin (Silver) | Answer correctly after being screwed 5 times.
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| We Knew You Could Do It (Platinum) | Collect all trophies.
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