| Achievement | How to unlock
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| Anger Management Required | You really aught to do something about that stabbing habit.
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| Aviators | Activate the aviators.
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| Bad Show! | Why would you shoot ted?! He's your best and only friend!
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| Calm Book | Activate the calm book.
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| Dead Weight | This hand ain't goin' nowhere.
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| Deal with it. | Activate the sunglasses.
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| Deserted | Completed the first level.
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| Fish Slap | Activate the fish!
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| Flying High | Completed the second level.
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| Mad Hat | Activate the top hat.
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| Only half a buffoon | Completed the final level.
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| Oops. | Use a frag grenade to end your tea party.
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| Over 2001 | Activate the monolith.
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| Potato Box | Witness the potato box flying through space-time.
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| Straight A's | Get an 'A' rank in all Mode 1 levels.
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| Tea, the final frontier | Completed the third level.
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| Teaception | Make a tea within a tea, or something.
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| That's Dino-might! | Use the dynamite.
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| The Dude | Get an 'A' rank in all Mode 2 levels.
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| The Fancy Finger | Flip the bird, if the bird were a fancy bird.
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| The Last Baron | Witness the Red Baron.
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| The Tea Boss | Get an 'S' rank in every level, in both Mode 1 and Mode 2.
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| This monday to friday plane | Activate the snake.
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| Totally Unrecognizable | Witness the zeppelin.
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| Turnip Surprise | Activate the turnip.
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| You Buffoon! | Yes, well ... I'd call you a buffoon too if you poured hot water on me. Indeed!
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| Young Grasshopper | Let the chi flow through the spasticity of your hand.
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| Zombino | Completed the fourth level.
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