| Achievement | How to unlock
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| 40 Year Old Virgin | Completed the "POSTAL 2" game mode with a total play time of 1:30:00 or less. (Excludes cutscenes and loading times)
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| A-Rod Who? | Whacked a severed head 50 meters or more with the shovel.
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| Adderall4All | Completed Paradise Lost with a total play time of 1:45:00 or less. (Excludes cutscenes and loading times)
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| And THAT'S why you never get out of the tree | Killed all of the book protestors in the library.
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| Anger Management With Roger Clemens | Nailed a fleeing bystander with a tossed sledgehammer.
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| Anustart! | Completed the "POSTAL 2" game mode with no kills.
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| Ape Rape | Escaped the Animal Control Center with all monkeys alive.
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| Better than POSTAL III | Rescued your loyal companion.
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| BioShocked | Spent $5,000 on vending machines.
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| Bitches Love Cake | Defeated your hateful ex-wife with delicious cake.
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| C U Next Tuesday | Survived Tuesday.
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| CAN YOU DIG IT?! | Completed the "POSTAL 2" game mode using only the Shovel to kill. (Must kill at least 30 people)
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| Can't Touch This | Exploded 30 heads via sledgehammer to the face.
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| Cesar Millan is Gay | Mauled 30 people with your dog.
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| Chapelle's Show | Lured a police officer with a piss-soaked donut.
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| Chuck Norris'd! | Killed someone with a flying jump kick.
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| Darth Maul'd! | Sliced 30 people in half with the scythe.
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| Dick Message | Wasted no time with the Wise Wang.
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| Do you even Enzyte, bro? | Unzipped your pants and got 3 women to laugh at it.
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| Don't taze me, bro! | Zapped 20 innocent bystanders with the tazer while wearing the police officer's uniform.
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| Door Mat | Severed all of somebody's limbs without killing them.
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| Duck Dynasty | Used a Bass Sniffer Radar.
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| FAB-U-LOUS! | Wore all three outfits.
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| Fear and Loathing | Smoked over 10 "health" pipes and 10 tins of catnip in one play session.
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| Finkle IS Einhorn! | Gave a kickoff to a severed head.
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| Found 'em faster than GWB | Discovered the hidden Taliban base.
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| Friend of Dorothy | Successfully hid from the police at max wanted level.
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| Fur Sure! | Showed Vince and Mike J. what you thought of them.
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| GABAGOOOOOL! | Reunited with an old friend.
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| Gary vs. a Giant Penis | Discovered the Gary vs. Krotchy arena during the Apocalypse.
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| Ginger Mint | Killed Zack Ward.
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| GOOD MORNING VIETNAM! | Burned 5 people with the same can of napalm.
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| Gotta pay the Troll Toll | Found one of the hidden underground sewers.
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| Harder than r/gonewild | Completed Paradise Lost on POSTAL difficulty.
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| Hello, Newman | Kicked 30 dogs.
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| Here, Wilfred | Gained your first dog helper.
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| Hobo Sexual | Collected money for charity without stealing from Zack Ward.
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| Holocaust: Part Deux | Reunited with an old enemy.
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| Hutton Gibson Can't Deny This! | Killed over 1,000 people.
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| I Am Legend | Committed suicide... the Taliban way.
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| I don't know whether to kiss you or kill you | Put out someone that's on fire.
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| I don't need virgins for this | Suicide-bombed a Taliban member.
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| I should buy a boat | Read the newspaper every day.
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| I swear, I am NOT Marcellus Wallace | Killed 10 bystanders while wearing the gimp outfit.
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| I swear, I thought it was a home fill | Exploded a nuclear bomb.
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| It must be Thursday, I could never get the hang of Thursdays | Survived Thursday.
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| It's not cheating, because it's YOUR dog | Played "fetch" with your dog... using a severed human head.
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| It's OK, we got Greenlit anyway | Killed someone who refused to sign your petition.
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| It's sterile and I like the taste | Sucked down your own piss.
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| John Rambo'd! | Made a very long killing spree.
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| Lieberman is our Leader! | Killed all of the video game protestors at the RWS Office.
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| Michonne ain't got nothin' on me | Resurrected a zombie corpse for your own nefarious purposes.
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| My Name is Jesus | Completed Paradise Lost with no kills.
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| Ode to Eddings | Deactivated all of the Vend-A-Cure XJ-2 units.
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| Officer McLovin' | Asked a police officer to sign your petition.
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| OMG, NEW MODERN FAMILY TONIGHT! | Survived Wednesday.
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| OMG, WE'RE HAVING A FIRE...sale | Roasted 30 people with fire.
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| One time, at band camp... | Saved the marching band from explody death.
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| Paid the Piper | Successfully bribed your way out of an arrest.
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| Planet of the Apes: The Musical | Completed the game (any mode) on Hestonworld difficulty.
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| PooMasher | Bought the toilet paper instead of stealing it.
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| Pussy on a Pedestal | Slaughtered 10 dogs with a kitty-silenced shotgun.
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| R. Kelly's Protege | Pissed in someone's face until they puked from it.
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| RAFIBOMB!!! | Kicked 30 people in the balls.
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| Rain on your Wedding Day | Reunited with an old flame.
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| Rebecca Black's Nightmare | Totaled 30 cars.
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| Reddit would be proud | Hoarded 15 or more cats at a time.
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| Reddit's Famous Double Dong | Made 30 kills while dual-wielding.
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| Rich on Reddit | Sold 30 cats at the Cash 4 Cats vendors.
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| Rick Grimes 4 Life | Made 30 zombies lose their heads.
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| Running With Scissors | Ran 30 miles while holding the scissors.
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| Scientology Level: OT VIII | Completed the "A Week In Paradise" game mode on POSTAL difficulty.
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| Screw Bill Lumbergh! | Survived Saturday.
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| SCREW that game! | Found the hidden copy of POSTAL III and peed on it.
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| Seņor Cornballer | Ate 30 donuts while wearing the police officer's uniform.
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| Sheriff Arpaio would be proud | Killed 30 or more people of each skin color.
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| Shiva Blast | "Lost" your sledgehammer to a cow.
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| Someone's got a case of the Mondays! | Survived Monday.
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| Taxidermy with Chuck Testa | Used a cat to "accessorize" your gun.
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| Thanks for the money! | Finished all seven days.
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| There's always money in the banana stand | Found the secret bank exit on Monday.
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| Uncle T-Bag | Escaped from the maximum-security jail cell.
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| Watchu' Talkin' 'Bout Muhammad | Reunited with a former child star and an infamous terrorist leader.
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| Well, aren't YOU a badass | Kicked open a door.
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| Where's Mr. McGibblets? | Gave Krotchy the bad touch.
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| Workin' for the Weekend | Survived Friday.
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| You are not alone | Observed an NPC going POSTAL!
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| You Snow Nothing John Blow | Peed on all of the snowmen in the Nuclear Winter zone.
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