| Achievement | How to unlock
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| 1-800-CLEARED | Finish the game.
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| 1-800-GETHELP | Finish the game on hard mode.
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| 1-800-GODDAMN | Get A+ on all levels on normal.
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| A BOX FULL OF SHARP OBJECTS | Use every weapon in the game at least once.
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| ACHIEVEMENT WHORE | Unlock all achievements.
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| ASSASSIN'S CRED | Clear the 1st floor of NO MERCY with the silencer.
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| COMBO BEGINNER | Perform a 5x combo.
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| COMBO GOD | Perform a 20x combo.
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| COMBO INTERMEDIATE | Perform a 10x combo.
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| COMBO MASTER | Perform a 15x combo.
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| DEAD SILENT | Finish SUBWAY without the Gang Leader seeing you.
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| DON'T LET ANGER GET THE BEST OF YOU | Clear all of the Writer's levels without killing.
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| EXTRA! EXTRA! READ ALL ABOUT IT! | Get the big picture.
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| FAMILY BUSINESS | Clear a level with each of the Son's techniques.
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| FANATIC | Clear a level with each Fan.
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| FANTASTIC! | Unlock all the Fans.
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| FOLLOW THE SCRIPT | Do as the Director says!
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| GENOCIDE | Kill 50,000 enemies.
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| GOT YOUR BACK | Shoot two enemies during a chainsaw finish.
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| I'M COMING IN AND I'M UNARMED! | Finish HOMICIDE without using guns.
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| KARMA | Die 1000 times.
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| NUCLEAR WASTE | They won't reach the Nuclear Throne.
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| PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE | Destroy 100 electronic devices.
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| SNAKE CHARMER | Unlock all snake masks.
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| SNAKES ON A HEAD | Clear a level with each snake mask.
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| STARE INTO THE ABYSS | Unlock THE ABYSS.
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| THE BAR OF BROKEN HEROES | Meet up with the Biker.
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| THESE ARE MY RIFLES, THESE ARE MY GUNS... | Unlock all weapons for the Soldier.
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| WHAT YOU LEAVE FOR YOUR SONS | Unlock all of the Son's techniques.
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