| Achievement | How to unlock
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|---|
| BURN EVERYTHING | Burn everything.
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| CAN I KICK IT | Beat level 2 without shooting.
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| DEAD GOATS THREE | Beat level 15.
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| DODGER | Beat level 7 without being shot.
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| FOUND ALL | Found all the DMEN dolls.
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| FOUND ONE | Found the first DMEN doll.
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| FOUND TEN | Found ten DMEN dolls.
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| GOOOOL | Score a goal.
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| GOTTA GO FAST | Get 15:00 or less on the best times sum.
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| HIGH HELL | Beat the game.
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| LESSON LEARNED | Get killed in the tutorial level.
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| MORE LIKE BEELZENOT | Beat level 10.
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| MS. STEAL YOUR GUN | Steal the Soulshot.
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| PUMP IT | Excel at a workout.
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| PUP KILLER | Killed all the pups.
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| QUICKIE | Beat a level in under 5 seconds.
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| SPEEDRUNNER | Speedrun the game in 20 minutes or less.
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| THE DOC IS DEAD | Beat level 05.
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| THREE POINT THREE | Get a global highscore of over 3,300,000 points.
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| TRY NOT GETTING SHOT | Die in under 5 seconds.
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| VEGAN | Beat Professor Meth without killing any chimps.
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