| Achievement | How to unlock
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| 6th Street Blockade | Defeat the 6th Street Blockade level. Good-for-nothing riot cops.
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| Above The Law | Defeat any level using Kid Justice and O'Grady.
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| Anarchy Way | Defeat the Anarchy Way level. Extra points for curb stomping anarchists.
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| Ash Vickers | Defeat any level using Ash Vickers.
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| Bad Trip | Collect the following items: 25 Mushrooms
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| Bash Brothers | Defeat any level using Steroid Jackson and De Capitan.
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| Battle Royal | Defeat the Battle Royal level. You're a regular Bob Backlund.
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| Big Hans Crimelord | Defeat Big Hans and his band of ruffians.
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| Bill's Storage | Defeat the Bill's Storage level. We wanted to bid on locker #5. Too late now.
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| Brother Antlers Crimelord | Defeat Brother Antlers, the psychotic cult ruler.
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| Chairman Kodoshin | Defeat any level using Chairman Kodoshin.
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| Cheese Head | Collect the following items: 5 Pieces of Cheese
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| Coffee Shop Hipster | Collect the following items: 1 Coffee Container, 5 Books, 1 Pair of Glasses
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| Corpse Thrower | Defeat 1 enemy by throwing the helpless, flailing body of a second enemy at him.
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| Cultist Crusher | It's Waco, Texas all over gain. Defeat 200 enemy cultists to get this achievement.
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| De Capitan | Complete any level with De Capitan.
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| De Capitan Low Blow | Defeat 25 enemies using De Capitan's Leg Sweep Attack.
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| De Capitan Masked Avenger | Defeat 25 enemies using De Capitan's Superman Punch Attack.
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| DerbyBall All-Stars | Defeat any level using Hella Fistgerald and Steroid Jackson.
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| Dogsworth McFreedom | You threw a dog and killed someone. We're calling Animal Protection.
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| Dr. Karate | Complete any level with Dr. Karate.
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| Dr. Karate Foot Power | Defeat 25 enemies using Dr. Karate's Flash Kick.
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| Dr. Karate Kick Master | Defeat 25 enemies using Dr. Karate's Crane Kick.
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| Dracogen Lab | Defeat the Dracogen Lab level. No stopping for science experiments.
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| Dry Viaduct | Defeat the Dry Viaduct level. This city could use some gentrification.
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| Fan Favorites | Defeat any level using Dr. Karate and the Beekeeper.
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| Foreign Object | Defeat 50 Enemies using bats, mauls, or shovels. No reason to fight fair in Fist Puncher.
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| Fruit Kicker | Collect the following items: 100 Pieces of Fruit
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| Fuel Efficient Smack Down | Show that all those hours at the gym paid off. Defeat 1 enemy by hoisting a smart car over your head and throwing it at him.
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| General Kony Crimelord | Defeat General Kony and his army of vile thugs.
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| Grave Digger | Defeat an enemy on the Cemetery Level with a shovel.
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| Grizzly Yves Crimelord | Defeat the devilish Grizzly Yves and his seafaring followers.
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| Hapless Romantic | Collect the following items: 2 Perfumes, 2 Bottles of Wine, 2 Rings, 1 Red Rose
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| Helicopters | Defeat the Helicopters level. Pat youself on the back. You're fighting entire armies now.
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| Hella Derby Smash | Defeat 25 enemies using Hella Fistgerald's Slide Sweep Attack.
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| Hella Fistgerald | Complete any level with Hella Fistgerald.
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| Hella Heart Breaker | Convert 25 enemies using Hella Fistgerald's Flirtatious Kiss Attack.
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| High Fructose | Defeat 1 enemy by throwing a soda machine at him. And remember to take a break from Fist Puncher and drink a refreshing Mint Spunk Cola.
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| Hijackers Beware | Defeat all of the hijacked delivery truck levels. And capitalism is restored!
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| Hoarder | Collect 100 unique items.
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| Jump Kicker | Real men use their fists, but we give credit where credit is due. Defeat 50 enemies using the jump kick attack.
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| Junk Food Glutton | Collect the following items: 1 Spunk Cola, 1 Cupcake, 1 Muffin, 1 Cheesecake, 1 Icecream Sandwich
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| Karate Hell | Defeat any level using Dr. Karate and Hella Fistgerald.
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| Kid Justice | Complete any level with Kid Justice.
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| Kid Justice Bully Beatdown | Defeat 25 enemies using Kid Justice's Flash Dive Attack.
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| Kid Justice Schoolyard Smash | Defeat 25 enemies using Kid Justice's Eye Gouge Attack.
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| Kid Keeper | Defeat any level using Kid Justice and the Beekeeper.
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| King Street | Defeat the King Street level. You're a real tough guy.
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| Lady Chop Chop | Defeat Lady Chop Chop and her deadly steel blade, AND then complete any level with Lady Chop Chop.
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| Lock 'n' Load | Confiscate 20 firearms from enemies.
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| Miss Brazil | Rescue Miss Fist Puncher Brazil.
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| Miss Canada | Rescue Miss Fist Puncher Canada.
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| Miss China | Rescue Miss Fist Puncher China.
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| Miss France | Rescue Miss Fist Puncher France.
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| Miss Japan | Rescue Miss Fist Puncher Japan.
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| Miss Mexico | Rescue Miss Fist Puncher Mexico.
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| Miss Russia | Rescue Miss Fist Puncher Russia.
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| Miss UK | Rescue Miss Fist Puncher UK.
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| Miss USA | Rescue Miss Fist Puncher USA.
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| Nude Beach | Defeat the Nude Beach level. We're sorry for putting you through that.
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| Nurse King-Fu Crimelord | Defeat Nurse Kung-Fu, the wicked hospital taskmaster.
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| O'Grady | Complete any level with O'Grady.
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| O'Grady Boot + Face | Defeat 25 enemies using O'Grady's Riot Kick Attack.
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| O'Grady Stun Gun Happy | Defeat 25 enemies using O'Grady's Stun Gun Attack.
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| One Percenters | Defeat any level using Preston Endicott and Dr. Karate.
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| Orchards | Defeat the Orchards level. And, no, there is not a hidden, apple-picking mini-game.
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| Picnic Time | Collect the following items: 3 Spunk Sodas, 2 Watermelons, 2 Hotdogs, 2 Hamburgers
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| Playmore Park | Defeat the Playmore Park level. There are kids out there that want to play on the slide!
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| Preston Endicott | Complete any level with Preston Endicott.
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| Preston Endicott Classy Headbutt | Defeat 25 enemies using Preston Endicott's Headbutt Attack.
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| Preston Endicott Tornado Kick | Defeat 25 enemies using Preston Endicott's Tornado Kick.
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| Prison Warden | Solve the country's prison crowding woes. Defeat 100 enemy prisoners.
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| Quentin Le Loup | Defeat any level using Quentin Le Loup.
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| Roger Crimelord | Defeat Roger atop his tower of doom.
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| Salsa Party | Collect the following items: 3 Tomatoes, 5 Chilli Peppers, 1 Garlic Clove
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| Side Scroller | Defeat all of the sidescrolling chase levels. Maybe you should try some Canabalt.
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| So Thirsty | Collect the following items: 10 Spunk Colas, 5 Sporty Spunk Drinks
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| Sobtanian Crimelord | Defeat Sobtanian, the beats-loving electro-punk.
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| Stabby Rascal Crimelord | Defeat Stabby Rascal and his gang of toughs.
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| Steroid Jackson | Complete any level with Steroid Jackson.
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| Steroid Jackson Andro Stomp | Defeat 25 enemies using Steroid Jackson's Stomp.
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| Steroid Jackson Back Breaker | Defeat 25 enemies using Steroid Jackson's Backbreaker.
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| Steven Dengler | Defeat any level using Steven Dengler.
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| Street Enforcers | Defeat any level using Steroid Jackson and De Capitan.
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| Stripper Town | Defeat the Stripper Town level. We won't ask any questions.
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| Subway Gas Attack | Defeat the Subway Gas Attack level. Cultists. Can't trust 'em.
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| Subway Pass | Defeat all 5 subway levels. How green of you to take mass transit.
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| Take Out The Trash | Defeat 5 Enemies by throwing trash at them. If this game had money, you'd also get a citation for throwing garbage all over the streets of our fair city.
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| The Beekeeper | Complete any level with the Beekeeper.
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| The Beekeeper Fatal Sting | Defeat 25 enemies using the Beekeeper's Tornado Kick.
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| The Beekeeper Mega Swarm | Defeat 25 enemies using the Beekeeper's bees.
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| The Milkman Crimelord | Defeat the murdering, mustachioed Milkman, AND then complete any level with Milkman.
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| Upstairs Downstairs | Defeat any level using Preston Endicott and O'Grady.
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| Vegetarian Chef | Collect the following items: 2 Tomatoes, 2 Eggplants, 2 Ears of Corn, 2 Carrots, 2 Green Peppers.
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| Video Grappler | Defeat 100 enemy luchadores, and prove to the world that you're no jobroni.
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| Warehouse | Defeat the Warehouse level. Don't get distracted by men in suspenders.
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| Wharf | Defeat the Wharf level. What's up with that dude wearing shades at night?
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| Zombie Survival Kit | Collect the following items: 2 First Aid Kits, 3 D Batteries, 2 Walkie Talkies, 1 Flashlight, 1 Duct Tape, 1 Pocket Knife
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| Zotmeister | Defeat any level using Zotmeister.
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