| Achievement | How to unlock
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| Additional Thanks Pending | (Secret)
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| Buck-Wild Adventure | Your chances of saving these boys are looking nice. Real f***in' nice.
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| Cage-Rattling Anarcho-Hippie | Sided with Kyle.
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| Canon End | (Secret)
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| Cat-Man's World | Temporarily saved Frankie from his animal form. He's one of the two 'bara' characters.
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| Certified Non-Pirate | (Secret)
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| Filthy Bourgeois Loyalist | Sided with Edmund.
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| Good Intern | Suffered for the sake of unpaid labor.
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| Ha Ha, F*** You, Kyle! | (Secret)
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| Learned The Truth The Easy Way | (Secret)
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| Learned The Truth The Hard Way | (Secret)
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| Making Out With The Ferret Man | It makes sense in context, mom. Temporarily saved Kyle from his animal form.
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| Naked As The Day He Was Born | Temporarily saved Edmund from his animal form. Expect more easy achievements.
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| No Dinner 'Til Brooklyn | (Secret)
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| Not Sure How To Respond | (Secret)
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| Party Girl | (Secret)
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| See? | You can't be givin' away your property like some kinda mook! You got financial interests to look out for, see?
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| Serial Pervert | (Secret)
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| Sexy Gentle Giant | Temporarily saved Miguel from his animal form. He's the other 'bara' character.
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| The End, Good or Bad | (Secret)
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| There's No Fixing This | (Secret)
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| Threw Frankie Under The Bus | (Secret)
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| Well That Was Awkward | (Secret)
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| Where Did His Glasses Come From? | Temporarily saved Charlie from his animal form. Would you kiss a bear to save a hot guy?
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