| Achievement | How to unlock
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| As You Wish (30 points) | Survive Glorg.
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| Being A Level Designer Means Never... (30 points) | Beat 'A Laser Danger Mess' without dying or using smash.
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| Bonus Content For All, And For All... (10 points) | Complete all the holiday levels.
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| Can't Touch This! (30 points) | Survive 40 seconds in 'Slow Dance' without dying.
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| Clumsy Lover (30 points) | Go through five portals in Infinite Love Mode without dying.
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| Damn Right, It's Better Than Yours! (50 points) | Beat all Gold Times.
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| Do Wanderers Dream of Mechanical Butts? (30 points) | Bounce on less than 7 arrows in 'A YOLO Snow Mess.'
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| Electronic Super Done! (120 points) | Get every Star, beat every Gold Time, and earn 0 deaths in every level.
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| Electronic Super King! (0 points) | Earn every Objective.
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| Get To The Chopper! (30 points) | Clear level 'Over By Christmas' without dying and collect both Stars.
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| Green With EnV (10 points) | Clear 'A Jungle Welcome.'
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| Hold Me Closer, Tony Danza (30 points) | Clear 'Slow Dance' without killing anything.
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| How Four-tuitous! (50 points) | Defeat World 4 within 26 Minutes.
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| I'm a Star-vivor! (30 points) | Clear level 'Run Coward' without dying and collecting the Stars.
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| Infinite Lover (30 points) | Go through twenty-five portals in Infinite Love Mode without dying.
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| It's Called 'Butts' Now (10 points) | Clear Level 'Flap Your Brains Out.'
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| Jumping the Snowmouth! (30 points) | Bounce on exactly 22 arrows in 'A YOLO Snow Mess.'
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| Just Like My Ex (10 points) | Clear 'Emotional Mess.'
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| Make Love, Not War (30 points) | Clear 'Babylon' without killing anything.
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| Mass Murder (30 points) | Murder the Pope.
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| Mean Green Machine (10 points) | Clear every level in World 4.
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| Mopping Up (55 points) | Clean the clock on all gold times in 'A Hot Sticky Mess.'
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| One-derful! (50 points) | Defeat World 1 within 10 minutes.
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| Rear-venge! (30 points) | Defeat The Groove Wizard.
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| Smooth Lover (30 points) | Go through ten portals in Infinite Love Mode without dying.
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| So Good I Ripped My Pants (10 points) | Clear 'Ol' Ball and Chain.
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| So Long And Thanks For All The Stars (50 points) | Collect every star.
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| So Three-ling! (50 points) | Defeat World 3 within 22 minutes.
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| Spikey Problem (10 points) | Kill Spike.
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| Stomach of Steel (10 points) | Clear 'The Rabbit Hole.'
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| Super Lover (30 points) | Go through fifteen portals in Infinite Love Mode without dying.
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| That was easy! (10 points) | Go through your first portal in Infinite Love Mode.
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| Thinking With Portals, Doing Science (30 points) | Take the shortest route in An Evil Portal Mess.
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| Turbo Lover (30 points) | Go through twenty portals in Infinite Love Mode without dying.
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| Two Awesome! (50 points) | Defeat World 2 within 17 minutes.
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| What A Mess! (75 points) | Complete every level in 'A Hot Sticky Mess.'
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| Wiggle Wiggle Wiggle Wiggle! (100 points) | Earn 0 deaths on every level.
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