| Trophy | How to unlock
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| Backtracker (Silver) | Used the hidden paths to return to each area in the game.
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| Bibliophile (Gold) | Read all of the Bittern books.
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| Completionist (Gold) | Triggered all of the story in the game.
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| Graffiti Artist (Gold) | Found all the Chads.
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| Howard's Train (Silver) | Spent time playing with Howard's train set.
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| Hypochondriac (Bronze) | Arrived and left Wade's surgery many, many times.
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| Last Orders (Bronze) | Waited for a pint at The Stars and The Whistler.
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| Lost (Gold) | Read all of the You Are Here maps.
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| Moonwalker (Silver) | Simulated walking backwards for fifty seconds.
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| Open Ended (Silver) | Reached Stephen's bunker without ending any other story arc.
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| Passive Observer (Bronze) | Discovered the power of interactivity by doing nothing at all.
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| Perpetual Motion (Silver) | Rode the Witches Hat for two minutes.
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| Radio Enthusiast (Gold) | Listened to all the radios before doing anything else.
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| Ready Meal (Bronze) | Made some tasty meals using the power of nuclear energy.
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| Tea Leaf (Gold) | Attempted to break into every caravan in Lakeside Holiday Camp.
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| The End (Gold) | Completed the game.
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| This Pattern is Mine (Platinum) | You got them all. You got them all.
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| Trainspotter (Silver) | Noted all of the train numbers.
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| Wrong Number (Gold) | Spent time waiting for a call.
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