| Achievement | How to unlock | 
|---|
| #YOLO #JK #LOL #SWAG | Die for the first time. | 
| 1 On 1 | Beat General Darian in 3 Minutes. | 
| Aaron the Porridge Baron | Eat 3 porridge bowls in 5 seconds. | 
| ATGM | Kill an enemy while under the effects of a jump-pad. | 
| Beaglefaaaace! | Kill 3 Enemies at once with the Barkblast. | 
| Buried in a Lunchbox | Complete Episode 1. | 
| Collateral Damage | Shoot an explosive barrel that kills an enemy. | 
| Come at me World | Submit a score to the leaderboard. | 
| Consider This An Intervention | Activate Shrooms mode for the first time. | 
| Dat Nostalgia | Activate the original soundtrack. | 
| Do You Even Stand? | Complete Episode 2. | 
| Enemosity | Complete Episode 3. | 
| Executioner | Kill an enemy while he's pleading for his life. | 
| Fast Food | Eat 10 porridge meals. | 
| Fool Me Once | Get killed by an enemy who was previously begging for his life. | 
| Fresch | Find the Super Sexy Secret Poster. | 
| Gib Fest | Gib 50 enemies. | 
| Grandma's Boy | Disable Gore. | 
| Holy Shit | Run the game on maximum Ludicrous settings. | 
| I'm a Plumber By Trade | Collect 10 coins in 5 seconds. | 
| Ludicrosity | Get a "Ludicrous gibs" with all weapons that are capable of doing so. | 
| Munchies | Eat 2 Health Pickups While in Shrooms Mode. | 
| PhysX ShmysX | Destroy a ludicrous amount of geometry. | 
| Raining Blood | Kill 5 people at once with explosives or magical weapons. | 
| Robo Nono | Beat NME in 5 Minutes. | 
| Rocket Scientist | Kill an Enemy During a Rocket Jump. | 
| Spray and Pray | Kill 666 enemies with the MP40. | 
| Triple Triad | Kill 3 different types of Triads with one attack. | 
| Tryhard | Kill an Enforcer with a single pistol. | 
| Weak Legs | Beat Krist in 3 Minutes. | 
| You Need help | Tea-bag an Enemy While in Dog-Mode. |