| Achievement | How to unlock
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|---|
| A Better John | Start taking responsibility for you actions.
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| Always Finishes First | Good at video games. Terrible at sex.
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| Appalling Appetite | You should see a doctor immediately.
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| Autopaedicatio | Penetrate yourself in Traditional Mode.
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| Bulking Gear | Use all the "supplements" you can for maximal gains.
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| Clumsy | Die a lot of times in your nightmares.
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| Couch Party | Have enough friends and enough controllers to play an 8 player game.
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| Early Bird | Swallow every worm.
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| Fire Inspector | Safely deploy all the fire extinguishers. For safety.
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| Fussy Lover | Save yourself for that special orgy.
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| Generous Lover | Finish last in a Party Mode game.
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| Go Left | Move to the left.
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| Go Right | Move to the right.
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| Magnetic Basshole | Win Lights Out in under five seconds.
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| Master Unlocker | Collect enough milk to fill the tank.
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| Meet Your Maker | Penetrate God.
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| Most Improved Tapulator | Learn how to literally just navigate the main menu.
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| My Precious | Get all of the rings in Lord of the Rings.
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| Paperwork | Submit your monthly physical report.
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| Popcorn Buffet | Eat a disgusting amount of popcorn.
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| Safety First | Everyone survives having sex in a trash-compactor full of needles.
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| Self Defence | Use the cake knife to defend yourself from wedding guests.
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| Sleep No More | Don't let sleeping dongs lie.
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| Spare Wheel | Be the only one locked out of an ouroborus.
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| Summer Job | Reminisce about your care-free days as a cactus picker.
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| Swan Tamer | Make peace with a gaggle of swans. Their natural instinct is to kill.
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| The Perfect Partner | Marry yourself in Abstinence.
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| Till Death Do Us | Have sex in the Date Night graveyard.
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