| Achievement | How to unlock
|
|---|
| Calm Down Dear | Calm the Wizard 50 times.
|
| Fedorable | Date night with Hat Chan.
|
| Flat Cap | Get Squashed 100 times.
|
| Hat-equate | Collect 10 Hats.
|
| Hat-tacular | Collect 1000 Hats.
|
| Hat-tality | Collect 5000 Hats.
|
| Hat-vancing | Collect 100 Hats.
|
| How To Win Friends and Sacrifice People | Unlock all alter-egos.
|
| Identity Crisis | Unlock your first alter-ego.
|
| No Foreplay | Violate Hatchan immediately.
|
| Rise of the Hat Lord | Unlock Rondo Mode.
|
| Sleeping on the Job | Catch a Hat without moving from your starting position.
|
| Stovepipe | Get Impaled 100 times.
|
| The Fun Never Stops | Play all mini games.
|
| The King is Dead, Long Live The Hats | Complete Rondo Mode.
|
| The Sorcerer's Annoyance | Feel the Wizards Wrath 50 times.
|
| Wait What | Play your first mini game.
|
| Well-Read | Read all text on the Story Screen.
|